The 2016 Almanac of Adventist Idioms

Though the work that we do at Fulcrum7 is ofttimes serious, the Bible says a merry heart has a special healing quality.  To that end, we offer this lighthearted compilation of Adventist terminology and humor.  Be of good cheer!!


Veggie LinkGood source for fresh produce.  Can be old farmer down the road, your own garden, or as a last resort, the local Walmart.

Vesper What Southern Adventists call a popular Italian scooter.

Pew —  Consequence of over-indulging in Haystacks.

The BatchWell known teacher & preacher in the church.  Can also refer to peanut butter potluck cookies.

Witness Adventist neighbor who saw you put that tiller (or mower) away after sundown on Friday night.  Often used to identify Man of Sin.

Ingathering People magnetically drawn to Potluck.

Three AngelsGenerally refers to God’s mighty messengers in Revelation.  Can also be a Grandmother describing her triplet Adventist grandchildren.

The MessageSomething that everybody needs to hear.  Also preferred method of communicating between Millennials.  Someone needs to develop a way to send the Message via message.

Sermon —  Weekly spiritual monologue to build people up.  Can also be used to inform wife that she ran over the hose connector—again, or to inform a husband that leaves rarely remove themselves from your gutters.  "I'll try to do better next time, Dear."

ValueGenesis — Adventists who still believe in a literal six-day creation according to the Bible.  Great folks!  

Midnight CryWife upon discovering that tomorrow is Potluck, and she completely forgot to prepare food.

HaystacksAdventist alternative to Mennonite Straw Hats.  Also excellent place for Horizontal Sabbathkeeping.  Can be good solution for Midnight Cry.

Time of Trouble — Eschatological bottom-of the-9th inning.  Sometimes used to refer to special church Business Meeting.

Session A delightful international conference that comes around every five years, or a way to resolve issues between husbands & wives.  In rare cases, the two can be combined (such as the 2015 Session).

Jesuit Anyone you don’t particularly care for.

GC Good Character or construction supervisor.  Can also be Garbage Collector, Goshen College, or Gold Coast in Queensland.  We like to think of it as an organization in Maryland that builds character by encouraging Adventists to remove garbage from their lives in preparation for walking on the streets of gold in the heavenly Land of Goshen.

Constituency People who attend Session or Time of Trouble.

Conference Can be helpful in resolving Great Controversy.

Great ControversyProcess of choosing new carpet for the church foyer. 

Division Thirteen slices of pie representing the Adventist world.  Best when they stay together, as evidenced by Session.  Can also refer to the consequence of Liberalism in North America, or Great Controversy.

Popcorn Acid test of true Adventism.  Can be used to identify Jesuits, as they generally won’t eat it.

Board Wooden objects that meet together once a month to discuss Great Controversy, Liberalism, Potluck, Praise Music and Sermon.

Deaf Dumb and BlindPeople we should have compassion on.  Refers also to Divisions who have trouble understanding threefold answers to the same question at Session.

Bequeath Generous gift given to church, or the legacy we leave to Adventist children.

Trinity The Godhead.  Can also refer to three identical answers at Session.

Quiet HourWhat Dad hopes for during Lay Activities. 

Glow The look on mom’s face after successful Potluck.

Grow The size of dad’s midsection after successful Potluck

Breakout SessionsHusband or wife tempted to bolt from counseling room during Session.

ASI Great place to meet Gladventists.

Gladventists People who love being an Adventist (like most of us).

Little LightCan be helpful near the end of an ADM, and Midnight Cry.

Daystar Either the most picturesque Academy in Adventism or the fallen angel of Isaiah 14.  I prefer the Academy in Utah. 

Potluck A communal meal where you are lucky if you get your pot back.

Lay ActivitiesChurch members doing fun stuff together.  Can also refer to large quantities of rest after church.

Praise MusicWhen we sing the praises of a successful Potluck

Union A collection of Conferences that no one knows how they began.

Spectrum A straight line that is heavily weighted on the left side.

SabbathkeepingThe opposite of forgetting; the fullness of faithfulness; the seal of obedience; the essence of rest; the divine downtime; a tithe of the Ten Commandments.

Horizontal SabbathkeepingSee Lay Activities.

GYCGreat Young Crowd. 

Adventist — Us.

Non Adventist Them.

Multi-Generational A bunch of Us’s, veterans of many Potlucks.

Glacier ViewThe frosty stare you get when you ask a steakhouse waitress if they have any vegetarian items.  Also spotted among Octogenarians during Praise Music.

Red BooksNot as good as the Black Book but real helpful. Can help you avoid rainbow books.

Read BooksTen percent of the average Adventist library.  Also healthy alternative to Facebook.

Messchatology Unusual blend of prophecy and liberal politics.  Can lead to Dreadventism.

Dreadventism People around the world with an absolute preoccupation with Sunday Laws.

Mumble Manner of speaking when seminar evangelist is asked by non-adventist on the opening night if Sunday is the Mark of the Beast.  "Mphh glutter spleet..."

Mark of the BeastRefers to End-time sign of rebellion.  Can also refer to scratched door and/or sofa after locking dog in house during Sabbath worship.

WO Exclamation upon discovering Mark of the Beast.  Also mark of Division.

Octogenarian Normal Adventist.

Normal AdventistOctogenarian.

SOPChild who drinks too much grape juice late at night.  Also Standard Operating Procedure, but most importantly, excellent books that use the Holy Spirit as the mortar between sentences (see Red Books).

Loma LindaWoman who sells gluten-free skin care products.

Roma Linda’s husband.  Also the home of the Pope.

Health Message Child advised to clean his/her room before Investigative Judgement.

Man of SinAny male who believes in biblical sexuality and gender role distinctions—at Spectrum. Although more commonly applied to the guy from Roma.

Great ControversyResult of allowing women elders in 1984. 

LGT Adventist version of LGBT that gets the ‘B’ad out.  Taught in SOP.

Lar of GodTen Commandments in Bostonian Adventist language.

Investigative JudgmentWhen mother inspects your room cleaning job.

Committee Group of the unqualified nominated by the uninterested to do the unnecessary.

Executive CommitteeA group of committee members nominated to rubber stamp the wishes of conference and union presidents. If you find yourself on one of these, throw away the stamp and replace it with the Bible and with humility & conviction.

Big Frank Overweight Italian uncle.

Fri-ChickFriday night date for young Adventist male.

Wham The sound of hitting someone over the head with a Redbook.

Tender BitsHow your toes feel after Adventist Death March.

Adventist Death March (ADM)Leisurely Sabbath stroll that ends up being slightly less distance than the girth of the state of Oregon.

Warmonger Adventist who likes war, and Great Controversy.

Conscientious ObjectorDevout abstention from Warmongering.

Black Olives MatterFinal garnish on Haystacks.  If you forget them, you may find out that they matter.

Medical Cadet Corp. —  Conscientious Objectors in training.


If this list inspires you, feel free to add a few of your own.  Stay lighthearted, and stay focused on the Lord and His Word!