The New 2019 PC Acceptable Language Guide

Trigger Warning:

Manholes will now be known as maintenance holes and craftsman will be replaced by artisan, after the Berkeley, California, City Council voted unanimously to revise the city’s municipal code with gender-neutral language.

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Dozens of terms will also be revised and the pronouns “they” and “them” will replace “he” and “she,” according to the new ordinance. To quote Rigel Robinson from Berkeley,

“In recent years, broadening societal awareness of transgender and gender nonconforming identities has brought to light the importance of non-binary gender inclusivity.”

So in the spirit of transgender awareness and gender nonconforming identity here is our new 2019 Acceptable Language Guide.

  • Manhole covers — personhole covers.

  • Mailman — mailperson

  • Manpower — personpower, or possibly beingpower.

  • “Man O Man” — them O them

  • Obese shall now be people of size

  • Boy or Girl — ze or them or it

  • Unemployed — involuntarily leisured

  • Workmanlike — workpersonlike

  • Manipulate” shall be replaced with “personipulate.

  • Manhandle” is now “personhandle.

  • Manage is now humanage.

Oops, that won’t work, because “human” contains the syllable “man.” “Human” must become “huperson” and so “manage” becomes “hupersonage.”

But come to think of it, “person” doesn’t work either, because the second syllable in “person” is gender-specific in referring to male offspring. “Son.” Not good.

So from now on, the word “person” must be replaced with “perdaughter” and so “manage” becomes “huperdaughterage.” And “personipulate,” which replaced “manipulate,” must, in turn, be replaced with “perdaughteripulate.”

“Wait,” you say, “the word ‘daughter’ is sexist too, because it refers to a female offspring.”

Not so fast, knuckle-draggers.

As everyone not suffering from testosterone poisoning knows, it is not possible for females to be sexist or for female-specific words to be sexist because females are the oppressed gender. Get some treatment, please?

I wonder if this is how German words got so big. Err, I mean Gerwoman words. Oops, that won’t work either, because “woman” also contains the syllable “man,” just as “human” does.” And you can’t use “woperson,” because, as explained above, a “son” is a male. So “woman” needs to be replaced with “woperdaughter.” “German” becomes “Gerwoperdaughter,” which does sound vaguely German if you say it from the back of your throat.

I hope the all the woperdaughters will be impressed by us, because they’re no longer oppressed by us.

On the negative side, using these words may cause some strange looks from ‘normal’ people. On the plus side, people from Berkeley and the University of New Hampshire will probably love you.

There, I feel more sanctimonious already.

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