This is the final part of my testimony of how Jesus Christ delivered me from spiritualism and now its relationship with sexual sin. Please note that this article may be triggering so I encourage mental health counseling, there is hope and healing available.
It was at around the age of seven when it happened. I am an only child, and my father was physically absent due to his lifestyle and my mother was emotionally absent due to her illnesses. My life was lonesome and so it seemed fit to arrange playdates with an Adventist family who had five children and that’s where I was sexually molested. I’m not sure how long it had been going on but suddenly those playdates came to an end. Innocence was something I never knew of for as long as I could remember. I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me. I was drawn to spiritualism and had too many questions about demons. Maybe it’s because they terrorized me. I had frequent nightmares and was afraid of the dark. I couldn’t correlate my sexual abuse with the spirits that haunted me. But as I grew up, those problems were eclipsed with even bigger problems. I had an attitude problem, was disrespectful to my parents and those in authority, and was a hypocrite who knew how to play the part of the perfect Adventist child while listening to highly explicit music and watching R-rated movies. Before long, I wore jewelry, had piercings and a very explicit mouth. Not to mention my clothing, or rather lack of. But behind all that rage was an unending underbelly of bitterness.
My mother, the daughter of an Adventist pastor found it wise to pull me out of my private school and enrolled me in an Adventist academy and later an Adventist college. It was here, as an underaged girl, that I fell into a long-term relationship with the next person who abused me: a sexual predator. He was not Adventist but came highly recommended by my Adventist friend who said, “he’s cute and would like you.” So, it happened again, I was stuck in a relationship with a sex addict and couldn’t get out. By this time, I had an addiction to pornography and compulsive self-abuse, and began to seriously suffer from an eating disorder, sleep disorder, anxiety and panic attacks, depression, dissociation, peripheral neuropathy, excoriation and dermatophagia, and two suicide attempts. I was crying for help and believed no one could help me because we’re in an Adventist school and Adventists don’t really talk about these things, right? So, I left the church emotionally, spiritually and later physically. I began partying, smoking, and drinking. I was spiraling out of control. Then it all came to a crashing end when I was diagnosed with cancer. That’s when my abuser left me for dead, or so he hoped. The enemy stole my innocence, then sought to kill my flesh, and finally destroy all hope of survival (John 10:10). The truth you need to know is Satan is a murdering rapist.
When I say it’s been over a decade of healing to arrive at full recovery, I’m not exaggerating the severity of damage and pain overcome by the grace of God. I don’t minimize the issue by saying everything worked itself out, because, as another author labeled the phenomenon, it is “soul rape.” It has been a lot of tears, counselling, alternative healing treatments, fasting and praying, and tons of literature and bible studies. I embraced our health message in totality to receive healing for the extensive damage to my brain and physical symptoms that I endure, referred to as Complex PTSD or post-traumatic stress disorder. It has been a lot of spiritual warfare confronting the demons that terrorized me as a child. It has been a lot of confession to God and older wiser women about the nature of sexual sin. It has been a lot of surrender. If this is happening to you, please know that your suffering is shared by millions (1 Peter 4:12); you are a captive (Luke 4:18) and your captor won’t give up the fight easily (Revelation 13:7). There is no easy answer or easy way out of the heinous world of sexual sin. But there is hope, complete victory with these powerful weapons (2 Corinthians 10:3-5, Ephesians 6:10-18).
Never compromise with evil! Never stop praying and never stop believing that victory can be yours. There is no difference between you and I, the same Jesus that delivered me can deliver you (Hebrews 13:8). Whether it takes 10 years, 20 years, 40 years or an entire lifetime, your freedom is worth it. Do not settle for less than God’s offer of complete victory (Jude 24). In Jesus Christ you can be free indeed (John 8:36). David said, “I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living” (Psalm 27:13). Your journey doesn’t begin until you believe that giving up is not an option, that there is no going back period, and that it’s not over until your victory is won! The warfare begins and ends in the mind (2 Corinthians 10:5).
Forgiveness is the only way out. I have confronted my childhood abuser and it bore no fruit. I have blamed my parents for their neglect but it has only caused further pain. I have tried to numb the pain over and over again. But until I learned how to forgive is when my suffering came to an end. Anger, bitterness and the desire for vengeance will steal your joy and peace by robbing your right to live a satisfying life (John 10:10). Forgive them, not for their sake, but for your own salvation, for vengeance belongs to the Lord (Romans 12:19). Furthermore, forgiveness is a choice not a feeling, that you choose every day (Matthew 18:22), until you are completely surrendered away from the spirit of retaliation (1 Peter 2:23). Then one day you will arrive at true freedom: when you think of your perpetrator you can pray for their mercy and grace (Matthew 5:44). Unforgiveness is the fuel to any addiction and the stronghold of victimization. True freedom is complete forgiveness.
Memorize the scriptures. I wish I had taken a picture of my bathroom wall before I moved. It was covered ceiling to counter with scriptures and every morning I was reminded of the truth of God’s love, power and grace. I know that God loves me and it’s not based on what I feel or what I remember about my past, it’s an unchangeable truth (Numbers 23:19) because God doesn’t change (Malachi 3:6). Repetition loosens the bonds and dissolves the stronghold. It stops being a truth and becomes my truth, personally and individually, those words written in the Bible were written specifically to me. Scripture is the sword of the Spirit and the most lethal weapon (Ephesians 6:17) in spiritual warfare. The enemy comes to a halt when the word of God is claimed (Matthew 4:1-11). Sexual victory is spiritual victory.
Do not believe the lies. The media is not our friend but our greatest foe. It is not normal for children to be sexualized: that is called pedophilia. It is not normal to be a hypersexual person be it in the form of a pornography addiction, masturbation, or consuming sexualized media, movies or music. You are not a virgin if you have been exposed to sexual activity either implicitly by observation or explicitly by non-intercourse participation, that is called sexual immorality and you are considered impure or unclean (Galatians 5:19) until you repent (1 John 1:9, 1 Corinthians 6:18). May I reiterate that it is still adultery even if you are not physically with the other person and it happens in the mind (Matthew 5:28) or communicated over the phone, text messages, pictures, internet or any other device. Furthermore, an emotional affair or fantasies need to be confessed and repented of. Nothing slays the power of sin like confession (Romans 6:14). It is not normal to be in a relationship where sexual activity is being threatened, coerced, black-mailed, or used a tool to victimize or cause shame. Repent for falling into that trap (Psalm 124:7) and don’t repeat the misfortune (Proverbs 26:11). Let me clarify: repentance means not repeating it and God gives us power (Zechariah 4:6) and willingness (Philippians 2:13) to rise up again (Proverbs 24:16). Do not be afraid if you are being victimized, you are promised protection from any sexual predator (Isaiah 41:10). Do not succumb to the pressures of the LGBTQIA movement (Romans 1), there is healing available. If you are a sexual predator or sex addict: seek help immediately! Finally, the sex industry with all its enslavement must be destroyed, “not by might nor by power but by my Spirit” (Zechariah 4:6). Sexual addiction is demonic possession (Luke 8:2) and must be waged with the highest warfare (Matthew 17:19-20). Pornography must be exposed for what it really is: the trafficking of human souls (Revelation 18:13). “The body is not for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord is for the body” (1 Corinthians 6:13). All these are the strongholds of sexual sin controlling minds, hearts and bodies with perversion and they must all come to an end in the mighty name of Jesus Christ! Today, if you hear His voice harden not your hearts (Hebrews 3:15). God is calling everyone to a higher standard of sexual integrity.
There is grace for you. The women who changed my life, who I met in group therapy, were former prostitutes, adulteresses, incest and rape survivors, strippers and porn stars. Women whose lives were now covered by the precious blood of the Lord Jesus Christ. These women prayed for me, taught me how to study the bible, and showed me how to be pure. These women never gave up on me and my future! They surrounded me with their faith (Hebrews 12:1), were expert demon-slayers who boldly put on the full armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-18) day and night, praying continually (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18) and calling upon the mighty name of Jesus Christ (Romans 10:13). They went through seasons of fasting (Isaiah 58:6) without eating or sleeping, and holding onto every word of God (Isaiah 55:11). I have run out of time to share the many miracles they wrought including saving their own children from death (John 10:29). God calls them his pure perfect bride, whiter than snow (Psalm 51:7). We may not have a perfect sexual history like you do, but we are covered with the imputed righteousness of Jesus Christ and wear his white robes of perfection; we are the brand plucked out of the fires of sexual sin (Zechariah 3:3-8). “Where sin abounded, grace did much more abound” (Romans 5:20). My favorite female character in the bible is Rahab because she was the harlot in the faith hall of fame unashamedly next to the patriarchs (Hebrews 11:31, Ephesians 2:8,9). “But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty; and the base things of the world, and the things which are despised, hath God chosen, yea, and things which are not, to bring to nought things that are: that no flesh should glory in his presence” (1 Corinthians 1:27-29). There is no shame, child of God, so come out of hiding whoever you are (Genesis 3:9). Your Heavenly Father is waiting for you with arms wide open (Luke 15:20). Your new life is waiting for you when you choose to be born again (John 3:5).
All I can do is direct you to the One that changed my life forever. He who loved me more than anyone could love me (Jeremiah 31:3). He who defended me every time I was accused by “the accuser of the brethren” (Revelation 12:10). He who fought and won every single battle for me (Exodus 14:14). He who covered my shame with his grace and gave me beauty for ashes (Isaiah 61:3), by whose stripes I have been healed (Isaiah 53:5). He whose love is stronger than death (Romans 8:38). This is Christ our Righteousness.
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Liza Ngenye is a third generation Adventist living in Southern California. Her personal writing ministry primarily focuses on issues concerning spiritualism, sexuality and race. You can contact her by email: lizangenye@gmail.com
Post Notes: Sexual abuse is any sexual activity -verbal, visual, physical or covert (without knowledge of the victim’s presence) - engaged in without consent, which may be emotionally or physically harmful and which exploits a person in order to meet another person’s sexual or emotional needs. Consent is a key issue in the definition of sexual abuse. The person does not consent if he or she cannot reasonably choose to consent or refuse because of age, circumstances, level of understanding, and dependency or relationship to the offender that limit a person’s ability to choose.
