Ah, tattoos. Humanity's bold declaration, "Yes, I do want my questionable choices to outlast my marriage, my metabolism, and my common sense." If there’s anything that screams commitment, it’s inking your fleeting interests, misspelled mantras, or an inside joke nobody else gets, on your body forever.
Let’s take a stroll through the carnival of reasons why tattoos are, in the words of an unmarked country guy, gloriously dumb.
God says Don’t Do It
Many people in our world do not know that tattoos are explicitly forbidden by the Bible:
“You shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the Lord” (Leviticus 19:28).
Perhaps this is because (until recently) most people would never consider getting a tattoo. Tattoos were pretty much limited to the outliers of society (such as gangsters, prison psychopaths and circus sideshow “freaks”) who wanted to make some sort of defiant “I-don’t-follow-your-rules” statement.
So there was no need to invoke the Biblical injunction against tattoos because most people were simply immune to any temptation to get a tattoo. This is what makes this story so sad and what makes it so hard to write about. You see, people who get tattoos often suffer from low self-esteem. They are trying to improve their looks. They don’t understand that God has given them a special, beautiful body that they should be grateful for. Making it look like a badly graffiti’d wall is just dumb.
Because Your Future Self Is Going to Judge You
Ever met your teenage self and thought, wow, you had excellent judgment? No, you haven’t. Now imagine being 80 years old with a saggy Tasmanian Devil on your bicep. It’s like sending inebriated texts to your future self, but instead of deleting them, they’re laser-etched onto your body. Permanently.
And sure, right now you might think, "This tribal sleeve is timeless." But in a few decades, your grandkids will be asking, “Grandpa, were you part of a tribe or just into bad decisions?” This may be why getting a tattoo is like eating popcorn. It is hard to stop. Since every tattoo becomes ugly over time, the more tattoos a person gets the uglier that person will become.
The Thrill of Miscommunication
Nothing says “wise decision-making” like getting a phrase in a foreign language you don’t speak. “Oh, this Chinese character means strength,” you proclaim. No, Brad, it means “pork dumpling combo”. At least it’ll be relatable at your local Chinese restaurant.
And let’s not forget about the ones who ink dates, thinking they’ll remember the significance. Newsflash: in ten years, you won’t even remember where you put your keys. But sure, a tattoo of "4/20/2012" is a surefire conversation starter... with the wrong kind of people.
Temporary Passions, Eternal Mockery
You were obsessed with Pokémon in 1998. By 2008, you’d moved on. Tattoos are the ultimate time capsule for interests that don’t age well. Remember when barbed wire tattoos were cool? Yeah, neither does anyone under 40.
Art, but Make It Permanent... and Risky
Tattooing is like commissioning a painting, except the canvas is your skin, and the artist could be named “Sketchy Joe.” Sure, some tattoo artists are true Michelangelos. But others are more like toddlers with markers. That "majestic lion" you envisioned? It's now a confused lumpy house cat. And imagine how you’ll feel about your ill-conceived lower back dolphin in 20 years.
The Unwelcome Evolution of Body Art
Bodies change, folks. The tight, youthful skin you flaunt in your twenties transforms into something Picasso or Van Gogh would envy by your sixties. That minimalist wave tattoo on your ribs? It’s now an ugly blue tsunami. The butterfly on your ankle? In time it will look like something a fourth-grader with ADD might scribble on his math book.
Pain and Money: The Ultimate Combo
Ah, the joy of paying a small fortune to endure hours of needle jabs. It’s like signing up for elective torture. People justify this by saying, “Pain is temporary, but art is forever.” First of all, pain is not that temporary. The pain of regret can last your whole life. And "forever" is a bold promise for something that starts fading faster than your new year’s resolution.
Your Mom Was Right
Let’s be honest: when your parents said, “You’ll regret that,” they weren’t just killing your vibe. They were were forecasting. If you’re lucky, regret will come gently, like when your boss notices the “Carpe Diem” on your wrist during your performance review. If you’re unlucky, it’ll come when you realize your ex’s name across your chest isn’t easily converted into a meaningful acronym.
In Conclusion: No Ragrets? Think Again.
I don't care that it's 2024 and everyone and their Grandma has a tattoo, I will never not think they look dumb and unnecessary. Let me illustrate:
I recently pulled into a Home Depot and noticed a brand new top of the line Ford F-250 King Ranch parked there. This truck was jacked up had camouflage trim, a custom olive green color and a creamy leather interior. It had the works. It probably cost around sixty thousand dollars or more with all the modifications.
Now you may not be a truck guy, but a customized King Ranch means something. You order a truck like that and you're probably waiting six months for it to arrive. It looked immaculate, except for the bumper sticker on the back that read in all uppercase black letters against a white background
“I'm only driving this fast because I really have to poop.”
That right there is what a tattoo is to me, a low-class contemptible bumper sticker you can’t get rid of..
“But I got my tattoo for”… (insert deep heartfelt explanation). Right. For some reason it brings meaning to your life and I'm supposed to agree with you in order to make you feel better. Chances are you thought it looked cute and would make you fit in more with your equally short-sighted friends.
You might as well hang a big neon sign around your neck that reads ‘I am desperate for approval, can't think for myself and I'm willing to scar my body to fit in with the crowd.’
To those believers, who carry the scars and ink of a past life, God can make you clean again, inside. The outside, you’ll just have to live with.
So in the unlikely event you’re reading this while waiting for your turn at the tattoo parlor, walk out of there. Make stupidity temporary. But that misspelled Latin quote on your forearm? That’s forever.
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“You shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the Lord” (Leviticus 19:28).
