Some years ago, our Pastor at the time asked me to put to paper what I would say to a newly married couple. (If you are unmarried, please do not bail out just yet. I think you will find something useful here too.)
I quickly dropped the ‘newly married’ qualifier, because even though I’ve been married for decades, I realize I still need to pray daily for the Holy Spirit to enable me to practice what I outlined that day. Also, I believe that engaged couples would do well to devote considerable time to discussing how they treat each other now, and what they envision doing after they exchange vows. Taking this a step further, much of what I wrote that day applies to my relationships with others in my church, and in the community in which I live.
What guidance does the Bible give us?
Most of us can repeat from memory Leviticus 19:18, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Jesus himself endorsed this instruction in Matthew 22:37-39. But as one of my favorite Bible scholars observed, this standard fell far short of God’s ideal for us, because some of us don’t love ourselves very much at all.
The Bible tells us that God IS love (see 1 John 4:8 & 16), and Jesus demonstrated God’s love on a daily basis as He loved sinners, loved His enemies, and loved the unlovable. Only after these demonstrations could Jesus set a higher standard, expressed as a ‘new commandment’ when He said, “. . . love one another, even as I have loved you . . .” (John 13:34). Here is my vision of how that ‘new commandment’ might be applied in our Christian homes. (see also 1 Cor. 13)
1. Pursue personal spiritual growth, and encourage each other in this pursuit. 1a) By ‘encourage’ I mean facilitate personal quiet time for your spouse. Find out what time of day they are best able to study the Bible, meditate on the meaning, and converse with God. Then do all in your power to ensure they have the quiet time they need to spend with their Lord. For example, turn off the radio, TV, or use headphones in another room, etc. As your family grows, play quietly with your children in another part of the house, or take them outside or to a park if necessary (and weather permits). Let your spouse know in every way possible that you support them having this time to strengthen their relationship with God. (A caution is in order here. ‘Encourage’ does not mean prod, badger, or preach.) 1b) Frequently share with each other what you are learning individually. I’d highly recommend studying the life of Jesus . . . As we admire the gracious way in which He treated sinners, we will be more patient and forgiving of each other. As we contemplate and comprehend His love for the unlovable, we will let go of our hurt feelings, and seek reconciliation.
2. Create an environment where love can thrive and grow. 2a) Trust (and be trustworthy). Don’t lie. Only speak truth in love. 2b) Treat with respect. Don’t interrupt. Never belittle, misrepresent, or demean. Don’t deliberately annoy, and then try to hide behind, “Just kidding.” 2c) Be reliable. Keep your word. Remember your promises. 2d) Grant the other the freedom to be different – to be an individual. 2e) Speak lovingly and show situation-appropriate affection throughout the day. Smile often. 2f) Willingly and cheerfully grant small requests. 2g) Listen attentively when your spouse speaks, and when you speak, say something worth listening to (make it easier for them to listen to you). 2h) Choose to be cheerful and remain calm, even in difficult times. This can often ease a stressful situation.
3. Ask God to help you focus on your spouse’s admirable traits. Then express and show appreciation for their strengths. (This shifts your focus away from their faults and weaknesses, toward their positive traits and actions. It will change your attitude.) 3a) When expressing appreciation, speak to specifics, rather than broad generalities. Specific praise has much greater value. 3b) Showing appreciation will require that you know precisely what little acts of service or tiny gifts will be most meaningful to your spouse. (Caution: It’s for your spouse. This is not an excuse to do or get something you want for yourself.)
4. Ideally, the two of you discussed and came to agreements on topics like division of household chores, budgeting/saving, child-rearing, recreation/entertainment, time commitments outside the home (church and community involvement), etc. before you got married. If not, do it now. Sit down together and make a list of the areas that need to be addressed. Prioritize the list, and schedule time regularly to negotiate workable plans/solutions that both of you can live with.
5. When your spouse annoys you, admit to yourself that if anything dreadful happened to them, you might actually miss some of the quirks that annoy you now. Distinguish between annoyances and more serious relationship disruptors. 4a) Don’t ignore persistent problems just to avoid confrontation and keep peace. Ignored problems get bigger . . . become more difficult to resolve. They leave room for resentments to build. They damage love and respect. 4b) Disagree agreeably, be gracious, negotiate fairly, and avoid sarcasm. Always tell the truth in love. Don’t lie, but skip the hurtful details. 4c) Learn how to listen. Focus your full attention on what they are saying (instead of planning what you are going to say in rebuttal). Remember that most of us think by talking, but this requires a listener who is willing to facilitate this process of thinking-by-talking. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you be that person for your spouse. 4d) Do not interrupt them while they are presenting their position. 4e) Verify. Reflect back to them, in your own words, your understanding of what they said. 4f) Give them opportunities to restate their position as they think things through. 4g) Whenever it is your turn to present your position, speak clearly and succinctly. Use self-disclosing ‘I-statements’ rather than accusatory ‘you-statements’. (For example, say “I have more peace of mind when we both live within the budget we have agreed upon. Let’s discuss how we can avoid overspending in the future.” Instead of, “You did it again! You never limit your spending to the budgeted amount. Then you expect me to put in extra hours to make up for your careless spending!”) 4h) If you are unable to resolve a problem together, GET HELP! Talk to an older couple that both of you respect (or to a happily married Pastor or Christian counselor). Then prayerfully discuss with your spouse the advice they gave. You may need to seek a second and third opinion (or more) before you get the help you need to resolve your problem in a way that is satisfactory to both of you.
A loving Christian home is an environment in which everyone can thrive and mature, and where children will learn to love and trust God, and one another. It is also a powerful witness to the community about the ability of the Holy Spirit to heal human fear and selfishness, replacing it with trust and others-centered love. My prayer is that the Holy Spirit will indwell my heart and mind, and be able to use my life to further God’s kingdom of love, truth, and freedom at home, in my church, and in the larger community.
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