Till Death do Us Part
The Bible and SOP are clear in their agreement that infidelity is the only grounds condoned by God to obtain a divorce, and that the person who marries the guilty spouse becomes an adulterer as well.
The question arises, what about people in the church who are married but are in their second marriage after their first marriage ended in divorce for reasons other than infidelity? What about divorcing because of lack of intimacy or domestic abuse? Does God not take these reasons into consideration?
Many even in modern Christianity are unaware and ignorant of the fact that the Bible says if you divorce for reasons other than infidelity and remarry you have committed adultery. Or even the fact that Jesus forbids a spouse guilty of adultery to remarry and that the one who marries the guilty spouse becomes an adulterer as well.
Many people are unaware of this truth because we haven’t studied this subject for ourselves, ministers either weren’t taught this principle, or are afraid to present this truth to their church because they don’t want to offend and ruffle feathers. Or perhaps the minister himself might be guilty of adultery and is not going to condemn himself as an adulterer.
Because of ignorance, God does not hold it against us if we sinned unknowingly. If you are married but the marriage is adulterous under the eyes of God and you didn’t know, God is not going to hold it against you. Should you divorce your spouse because your marriage is adulterous under the biblical standard? No, two wrongs don’t make a right.
We should after knowing the truth, acknowledge our faults to God, and God says in the times of our ignorance he winks at (Acts 17:30).
Now if a person or minister knowingly knows the truth and decided to enter an adulterous relationship/marriage then that person is in open sin and should step down from his/her duties in the church.
We must as a people arouse and cleanse the camp of Israel. Licentiousness, unlawful intimacy, and unholy practices are coming in among us in a large degree; and ministers who are handling sacred things are guilty of sin in this respect. They are coveting their neighbors’ wives, and the seventh commandment is broken. We are in danger of becoming a sister to fallen Babylon, of allowing our churches to become corrupted, and filled with every foul spirit, a cage for every unclean and hateful bird. Will we be clear unless we make decided movements to cure the existing evil {TSB 188.3}?
How many in Adventism even some ministers, divorce their spouse just to marry another and it’s largely kept quiet and swept under the rug? How many families have sadly been broken? The world may say it’s okay to end a marriage if you are unhappy and want to be with someone else, but God calls it adultery and it’s in the church because we have lowered our standards, and it’s one of the reasons I believe why we are in such a Laodicean condition.
What about lack of intimacy in a marriage? Is that a reason for divorce? After all God established intimacy to be a part of marriage, so if there’s no intimacy, is that not breaking the marriage covenant?
Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency (1 Corinthians 7:5).
The Bible does instruct not to defraud one another as married couples when it comes to intimacy and says it should be talked about within the marriage. But it doesn’t say that if there is no intimacy going on that it is grounds for divorce. The world might say so, but God does not, again lack of intimacy was reported as a reason for divorce by 31% of people in the survey.
Abuse
There are four kinds of abuse: emotional, spiritual, phycical, and sexual.
What about domestic violence and physical abuse? Why doesn’t God mention this as a reason for divorce? The Bible lists infidelity as the only reason to end a marriage and remarry along with the sad occasion of a spouse passing away. In cases of physical abouse, temporary separation may be necessary until the anger issue can be resolved biblically.
The Bible is clear that husbands are to love their wives and not be bitter or harsh but to honor them (Colossians 3:18-19, Ephesians 5:22-25 & 1 Peter 3:1-9). But interestingly the Bible is silent on the fact that if a spouse is abusing another, that it is a reason to end a marriage and divorce. The world immediately presents this as the best option, but God does not. Why?
We must understand that God is all about forgiveness and reconciliation. In a marriage relationship where the two individuals are joined together, the two become one flesh and nothing should put the marriage asunder.
Only if a spouse becomes “one flesh” with another by adultery (going outside the marriage) does God give permission for the innocent spouse to end it (1 Corinthians 6:16). So, what do we do with domestic violence? Should they stay in the marriage and suffer and endanger their life or well-being?
Remember what Paul wrote earlier? “But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband. (1 Corinthians 7:11). If a woman (or man) is in a violent marriage, let her leave or seek help, God would not want you to endanger your life by staying in the same place with the violent husband. Let him or her leave her spouse alone but remain “single” and not run to another man. Separation and time being alone will eventually bring two options.
The spouse being alone will realize his/her sin and error and seek God and get help and by God’s grace change, and if so, let the wife/husband after slowly regaining trust be reconciled to their husband/wife. This has happened to multiple marriages, and it’s a powerful testimony to the grace of God.
The husband being alone will not care about his violent evil ways, and will after being left alone seek out another woman. If that’s the case the wife would have full permission from God to divorce the abusive husband because he ended up seeking another relationship during the time of separation while still married. Thus, he committed adultery.
This might not be the answer concerning domestic violence in a marriage that many people would like to hear. We have let so much of the world’s marriage standards shape our thoughts. However, we must get back to the word of God and see what thus saith the Lord, not thus saith the state.
Dating
This is why the dating/courting process is extremely important. We must spend time with the person of interest for marriage, because only by spending valuable amounts of time can we see green flags or red flags. In almost every case, a violent person showed a dark side during the dating stage of the relationship. But many times, people go into marriage so blinded by infatuation that they ignore many red flags that are shown. We ignore counsel from our parents, God fearing family members, friends, pastor or elder, and go into marriage only to realize afterwards that the marriage was a mistake, but by then it’s too late.
Every marriage engagement should be carefully considered, for marriage is a step taken for life {AH 340.2}.
My heart is sick when I see the loose way that the marriage vows are held. We are nearing the judgment. I ask you to consider carefully, candidly, your position. There is, perhaps, upon more thorough acquaintance, a dislike of your husband’s ways and manners. Will not many people find the same, after the marriage novelty has passed? But when you made your vow before God and holy angels, you knew you were not perfect and your husband was not perfect; but this is no excuse for breaking your marriage vow. {TSB 55.2}
Realizing defects in a spouse after marriage that could have been noticed and considered before marriage is not a reason for divorce. As the survey said, 31% of divorced couple cited irreconcilable difference/lack of compatibility. Did they not realized they were incompatible or unequally yoked while dating and getting to know one another in the relationship?
Another 24% cited financial stress as a reason for divorce. Did they not see a red flag in the spending habits of the one they were dating and eventually married?
20% cited parenting differences for divorce. Did they not before marriage have deep conversations about their individual values and beliefs and see if they are in harmony with each other?
No, many times, people ignore the red flags in another individual because they’ve been blinded by “love” and a Disney fairytale about relationships, and once they are married the reality sets in and many decide they want out. But if the proper time would have been taken to really get to know the individual before marriage, much regret would not happen afterwards.
Let the woman who desires a peaceful, happy union, who would escape future misery and sorrow, inquire before she yields her affections, Has my lover a mother? What is the stamp of her character? Does he recognize his obligations to her? Is he mindful of her wishes and happiness? If he does not respect and honor his mother, will he manifest respect and love, kindness and attention, toward his wife? When the novelty of marriage is over, will he love me still? Will he be patient with my mistakes, or will he be critical, overbearing, and dictatorial? True affection will overlook many mistakes; love will not discern them. Let a young woman accept as a life companion only one who possesses pure, manly traits of character, one who is diligent, aspiring, and honest, one who loves and fears God…Shun those who are irreverent. Shun one who is a lover of idleness; shun the one who is a scoffer of hallowed things. Avoid the society of one who uses profane language, or is addicted to the use of even one glass of liquor. Listen not to the proposals of a man who has no realization of his responsibility to God. {AH 47}
Let a young man seek one to stand by his side who is fitted to bear her share of life’s burdens, one whose influence will ennoble and refine him, and who will make him happy in her love…Here are things which should be considered: Will the one you marry bring happiness to your home? Is [she] an economist, or will she, if married, not only use all her own earnings, but all of yours to gratify a vanity, a love of appearance? Are her principles correct in this direction?...I know that to the mind of a man infatuated with love and thoughts of marriage these questions will be brushed away as though they were of no consequence. But these things should be duly considered, for they have a bearing upon your future life...In your choice of a wife study her character. Will she be one who will be patient and painstaking? Or will she cease to care for your mother and father at the very time when they need a strong son to lean upon? And will she withdraw him from their society to carry out her plans and to suit her own pleasure, and leave the father and mother who, instead of gaining an affectionate daughter, will have lost a son? {AH 45-46}
As SDA’s God has left plenty of light, instruction, and counsel in his word and in the Spirit of Prophecy. I could share many more passages just from Adventist Home itself, but I believe the point is made clear and sufficient evidence provided. I pray that our minds might be agitated that we go back study this subject deeper in God’s word and in the SOP. The youths in the church are in dire need of this council as well as the adults in the church.
Let us raise the biblical standards of truth and put an end to the sin of adultery that has been leavening our churches for years. This is one of the reasons why we are in a Laodicean state which God wants to arouse us from and cleanse us from sin. God bless!
P.s.
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My name is Nathanael Morel. I am 27 years old and was born and raised Adventist. My family is from the Dominican Republic and we’re very close. I love to study the Bible and preach when an opportunity comes. I attended Amazing Facts Center Of Evangelism (AFCOE) and hope to be an evangelist and continue to share the truths found in God’s word. I enjoy the outdoors and like to bike ride and be athletic.