Some time ago, I was traveling with my two closest friends, Meena and Ally. Meena was driving, Ally was in the passenger seat, and I was sitting in the back.
As we're riding along, we were chatting about this and that. We arrived at our destination, but shortly before we got out of the car, in our conversing, Meena said something that definitely struck me the wrong way.
When I responded to her, undeniably, the shift in my tone betrayed the fact that I was bothered by her words. Quickly she said, "I'm sorry", but I didn't immediately respond. I thought that maybe it was one of those apologies that people give just to appease the person that was offended, but not because it was actually sincere. You know, like when you were a kid and you hit your little sister while riding in the back seat of the car and your mom told you to apologize? No doubt, there was not enough sincerity in that apology to fill a thimble, but mom said do it so you did.
Well eventually, after no response from me, she turned around and faced me and said, "Forgive me?" I responded with a subdued, "You're forgiven", followed by a light chuckle. And, just like that, the tension was gone. The three of us continued on with our errands and travels that day, with little to no trace of the episode to dwell upon. Had those words not been spoken in sincerity and accepted, most assuredly, it would have been a cold, silent, uncomfortable car ride for the duration of our travels. Not pleasant at all.
Can anyone relate here? Have you found yourself in such a scenario as this? Insert whatever relationship fits for you ... parent, child, co-worker, spouse, sibling ... you name it. We've all been there. Some of us though, dare I say - most of us, are still waiting on that apology. And consequently still living with a silent tension towards the one that failed to or flatly refused to utter those words. A cold war if you will.
The Anatomy of an Apology
I can remember dissecting a frog in middle school. I guess it was required for biology class. While I do like learning new things, and I definitely did learn things in that exercise, I wasn't in love with the process. Cutting up a dead frog had never been high on my bucket list or present on it at all. But, let's do some dissecting here today. Hopefully it won't be as distasteful as the frog activity and prayerfully, we'll have learned something new at the other end.
I looked up the word apology. It literally means: a regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure.¹
Just looking at that sentence makes it clear why apologizing is so hard. At least 3 things have to take place:
1. We have to admit to ourselves that we messed up
2. We have to let go of our pride
3. We have to sincerely acknowledge our wrong to the offended party
Let's go more in-depth on these 3 items.
We have to admit to ourselves that we messed up
I was once having a conversation with a friend who was complaining about different people in her circle. A fun conversation as I'm sure you can imagine :-/. As she was speaking I realized that no matter what the situation was, everyone else was at fault. She did nothing wrong in her estimation. Obviously that was not a true or accurate assessment, but that was how she saw things.
Have you ever met a person that no matter what they say or do or how obviously wrong they may be, they will not admit that they were at fault in any way? Some of you might be thinking ... 'Yes! I am married to that person'. The truth is, we've likely all been that person at some point in our lives. Particularly if not walking with the Lord. Not saying that Christians are immune to this, but as we surrender our lives to the Lord and yield our wills to the promptings of His Holy Spirit, we do become less prone to it through His strength.
Self justification is human nature. Jon, one of my co-workers, would jokingly say sometimes, "I thought I was wrong once, but turns out I was mistaken". It still makes me chuckle but it highlights an undeniable fact, we hate to be wrong. About anything. And even if we do realize that we're wrong, we hate to admit it.
Who was the only person to walk the face of planet earth who never did anything wrong? Jesus our Lord of course. When a person gets to the point where they are never wrong in their estimation, they are in essence, proclaiming themselves to be the Messiah! Granted, they would likely not ever dare to utter such blasphemy, but think about it … if I’m never wrong, and God is the only One who has never erred … who am I declaring myself to be? I know, I know ... this might be a stretch but it bears reasoning. At the very least, we can admit that it’s not a godly trait of character. Far from it.
So why is it so hard to admit when we're wrong? Well let's go to point #2.
We have to let go of our pride
It's interesting that when you read the Bible, it becomes overwhelmingly clear that pride is not a virtue to be extolled, yet in our society today, its applauded, celebrated, and even encouraged. To be clear though, it’s not wrong to be proud of a job well done. I'm referring more to the boastful pride that bespeaks self-importance and leads to self-exaltation. This is where things get problematic.
It makes me think of King Nebuchadnezzar, ruler of the nation of Babylon, as he walked through his palace proclaiming, "Is not this great Babylon, that I have built for the house of the kingdom by the might of my power, and for the honour of my majesty?" He went through a seven-year, pride-effacing, wilderness experience after that. You can read about it in Daniel chapter 4.
Lucifer had a pride problem which caused him to find himself on the wrong side of the pearly gates. In the book The Great Controversy, pg. 495 we read:
Lucifer was convinced that he was in the wrong, that the divine claims were just, and that he ought to acknowledge them as such before all heaven. Had he done this, he might have saved himself and many angels. ...But pride forbade him to submit. He persistently defended his own course, maintained that he had no need of repentance, and fully committed himself, in the great controversy, against his Maker.
Can you imagine how different things would be now if Lucifer had've humbled himself? There would have been no war in heaven. No fall in the Garden of Eden. No pain, suffering, crime, loneliness, death. Wow! Just, wow! Can you wrap your brain around that? All because he would not admit that he was wrong? He would not bring himself to say, "I'm sorry"?! How many Great Controversies do we ignite through our pride, that could have been averted, had we just humbled ourselves?
So how do we get over this hurdle? How do we let go of pride? Well it starts with humbling ourselves before God (James 4:10). Go to Him in prayer and tell Him what you did. Yes He knows already, but He wants us to talk to Him about whatever concerns us. Ask for His forgiveness and then ask Him to give you the power to humble yourself before whoever it is you offended (Philippians 4:19).
I know. That sounds far too simple. But it really is just that simple. Salvation isn't rocket science. If it was, simple folks like me would be in trouble. Now, once we have gone to God for strength, the next step is to go to the person ...
We have to sincerely acknowledge our wrong to the offended party
Ok. This is where things can get really hard. This is where the rubber meets the road, especially if you've not much been in the practice of apologizing in the past. There are good apologies and there are bad ones. Really bad ones. I once heard a comedian quip about apologizing to his girlfriend. It went something like this:
“You know I'm sorry that I did that but really, you brought it on yourself” (gasp and clutch the pearls!)
This is a really bad, actually exceedingly awful apology! It barely merits the term! A good apology is bereft of excuses or self justifications. It simply acknowledges the wrong, accepts full responsibility for it, and seeks forgiveness from the offended party. 1, 2, 3. Very elementary indeed my dear Watson.
It brings to mind the K.I.S.S. principle ... Keep It Simple Sweetie.
The Benefits of Apologizing
Some of the most gratifying words to have spoken to us are “I’m sorry, I was wrong”. It’s like a cool, gentle breeze on a blistering, summer day. The proverbial, music to our ears. The next thing you know, your blood pressure is decreasing, the flush in your face is abating, and your brow is no longer furrowed.
Conversely, some of the most difficult words for us to utter are “I’m sorry, I was wrong”. Many times though, just uttering those words, in sincerity (I must emphasize that), is all that it takes to calm irritated nerves. It also takes a load of guilt off of the offending party.
Is An Apology Required Before Forgiveness Can Happen?
Now understand, whether a person apologizes or not, we need to exercise forgiveness towards them in our hearts. Apologizing is a step towards reconciliation. Sometimes though, many times, reconciliation may not happen. At least not immediately. Let's be honest. Just because you humble yourself and apologize doesn't guarantee that the person will accept the apology. Especially if the offense was a particularly grievous one.
Reflecting back to my story at the beginning regarding me and my friend Meena, I could have rejected her apology and cherished an icy coldness towards her. She had no control over my response. But whether I accepted it or not, it was her Christian duty to apologize. And whether she apologized or not, it was my Christian duty, to forgive. It takes two to reconcile but only one to forgive.
Oh What Peace We Often Forfeit!
What a Friend we have in Jesus! Truly! He's not only our Friend, He's our Deliverer. He will give us the power to overcome the inclination to steel our hearts up with pride and deprive a wounded soul of a sincere apology. He's the One that will give us power to exercise forgiveness to whomever it is that has hurt or harmed us. Friends ... we have a heaven to win and a hell to shun. Never forget that. Let's not forfeit the peace that Jesus longs to give us. Sometimes, that peace is just an apology away …
P.S. I apologize for this article being so long :-)
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Yolan, Meena, and Ally are a group of close-knit friends known as the Off Grid Girls. In seeking to follow the counsel to “Get out of the cities”, this small group of single ladies, and their moms, banded together, purchased property, split it between them, and are now homesteading together on it. Most testimonies of country living involve married couples with children but there are many single people wondering how to take that step.
For more about their story and to follow their progress on their homestead, please visit their blog at www.offgridgirls.com. You might find some helpful country living tips there as well.
¹Oxford Languages